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Friday, 24 July 2009

dissapointment.

so there it was, saying goodbye to the only father figure i've had ever growing up. hard as it was, a 'see you later.' was all i intended it to be. thinking that it was still going to be the same, individual pops in. still stunned, i was cool with it thinking that us, kids still made a bigger influence than she could ever. playing it cool, changes are made that disrupts my focus. aquarium, pictures, movies, dinner, TIME. as i called every so often to hear his voice, i felt the disconnection because someone else walked in. all of a sudden, TIME was of the essence to him because he had someone else to tend to. she walks in and all of a sudden, he becomes someone else, someone even i couldn't recognize. what i do recognize though is he spends so much more time with his new commer than he ever did with us kids, alone. shocked with disbelief, i let go. so many questions still do arrise in my head like 'what's so good about her that she becomes a priority when we were only an option?' and 'how can a new-commer have so much more influence on you than us kids could ever in our years growing up?' and 'why weren't we a good enough reason for you to cut down with your habits and she was?' and 'how could you make us feel so unwanted just because you have something new?' i don't understand how someone could walk in and replace two individuals that came way before and were known as 'children' to him. he never had priorities; we weren't a priority as is and now, some other half walks in and suddenly is top priority, while we were only an option. every weekend, every other day, if not every second he's with her when our last days, he couldn't even cater to us and enjoy the time he had with us when the minute we leave, he's already out with some girl who so happens to grab his attention more than our accomplishments could ever. despite of how bad things got between both of my parents, there is no excuse to have someone else take our spot in his life. we should've been everything to him after his marriage ended, we should've been the greater influence, we should've been his inspiration to drop his habits, . WE, us, HIS KIDS should've been all to him over some girl who walks in like nothing and who's out at the top of his list! we should've and we could've been wheat she is now, HE just didn't let us.! we were never a good enough reason for him to stop drinking, let alone to cut down. we were never good enough to be taken out to dinner. we were never good enough to be taken to the aquarium. we were never good enough to be fought for the way he could fight to be with her ! it dissapoints me to have one of MY greatest protectors replace us with some girl. now, whenever he calls, i barely speak because i have nothing to say to someone like that. yes, i'm grateful for the times he's been for me but seeing us stay at the bottom of the barrel while someone rises above us is too much for me to bare. unacceptable to be exact.. only words can say how much dissapointment and anger i feel, confusion even more. i can only speak on my half because the little one doesn't understand much but when he does, this is all he'll ever come to grasp of 'daddy.' the daddy i came to call at the age of 7 thinking it'd stay that way. his iloveyou's don't mean much to me, only words in fact because his actions just spoke so much louder than his words. i don't who he is anymore but when the daddy i came to call is back and when us, kids FINALLY become some sort of priority, please let me know. til' then, my love for him only goes so far and he's just another dissapointment that i won't waste my time go figuring.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

such a troubled kid
as mom yells, dad pleads. then when dad runs, mom chases. even though my mom has always been my rock, something about her words and gestures makes me feel like the smallest kid in the world. mom and dad ask for a handful from me being a teenager and the oldest of two. good grades, no slacking off, to hush my mouth when there's conflict, to respect my elders, & the rest. the rest being the smallest things. the smallest things that they ask for are the very ones that're hard to reach. mom and dad ask for decent grades, i bring home decent grades. definition of decent being A's and B's, no C's.. whatever's gonna make it onto the honors list at school. they ask for A's and B's, that's exactly what i bring home. school's tough, especially with the peer pressure and the usage of alcohol. the parentals don't get what's going on in school nowadays. they think it's all honky dory, getting grades, taking after-school classes. pffts, it's not that way no more. it's not like how it was in their days. it's not safe. i go to school feeling uncomfortable and unsafe like someone's out to get me. my parents don't get any of that. they don't get how i'm feeling at all and that's sad. at home, i do the chores. i pick up my load around the house. i do laundry, wash, hang, get down, fold, and put away. i do dishes. okay, sometimes i leave them for a bit to soak or whatever. i clean. there may be little dust bunnies lying around and my clothes may not always be folded to parr. HEY, i'm a teenager... can't i be one ? i have my moments where i talk back and mope and gripe. i'm a 14 year old, why am i forced to be 18 ? my parents get on my case for everything. it's like what i do isn't good enough for them. i went through a lot with my mom and i never expected any of what i'm getting from her now. i thought she'd be my closest friend and still i feel so small around her and dad. no matter what i do and no matter how many times i do good, it still isn't good enough for them. i feel like a burden to them; a mistake; their punnishment;
iduhnno, i'm jest a troubled kid tryna find a positive to this whole sha-bang.
> _ < '

Monday, 14 July 2008

came & went
so the story goes,
i call taylor, i said, "UPDATE" and she said, "before you say anything, would you go out with a 15 year old?" and from there, things just went. his name is JOSH. waianae-nanakuli bound. knowing where he's from, i was scared. i didnt want em to have my number cahs' the whole place would get it. as usual, i JUMPED. taylor gave em my number and he texted. we texted for 2 hours then he called the next morning. texted throughout the day. i was in seattle and i managed to get in touch with him. he was really excited. he wanted pictures, i sent some. he gave compliments and i said thanks. idk, those text messages meant alot. we connected on a real heavy level. we went through some similar obstacles. and he started talking. something about him, i really liked. his consistency of calling and getting back to me and being there, his compliments, iduhnno what it is about him. it's only been 3 days since we've talked and i feel like i've known him for years. he dropped hints of him liking a girl, had a gut feeling it was me, wasnt sure though. then he said it.."i like you." and i dropped. he felt the same way i did. we talked again. then he asked "do you wanna go out?" i ignored him for the 2nd time. i knew i was falling for him, i just didn't want to. my feelings were running wild for em, just didn't believe it. i was trying to ignore the fact that i wanted to be with him. and yet i can't. it's obivious. i cant go an hour without talking to him. me staying here, was the hard part for me. concerns roamed through my head instantly. what if he cheats, the age gap, my parents, the distance, the waters that divide us... thoughts instantly kicked in. NOW, i know that i'm going home for a fact. and it still scares me. those same concerns still linger. with his history of girls. i don't wanna be ONE OF THEM, or A GIRL, i wanna be THE ONLY girl. knowing he was 15, i didn't go for it. i let him go because of the thoughts i had. and now i'm regretting every minute of it. he CAME into my life, open minded and open to change and to go the distance. and i WENT . i was scared of getting hurt even though i believe that if you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. i guess i gave up the oppurtunity of learning how to love. i made the choice to let him go and to walk and to give up & now i'm living with it. happy or not,
i'm living with it.
oppurtunity came and went .

Thursday, 10 July 2008

IN4MATION
zhayla - maranda
-aquarius-february1st-oldest of 2-mommy&daddy-hawaii,california,back to hawaii, and now in oregon.-aunty&uncle-toby's the dog-zachary ian(brother) is my light and the reason why i chose my heart and not my wrist-mama&papa-hawaii is home-southridgehighschool-alg1,physical science-engineering-robots-english is the shiz'-express your feelings-singleBUTunavailable .
THE DEPTHS OF THINGS
-sucker for peace knowing that it may never happen-the music on my iPod calms me when i have tears comming outta my eyes-i cry myself to sleep and sometimes the dreams that i end up having are worse than reality for some reason-i dream big; trying to stay focused on making those dreams come alive-i'm debating on being either a software engineer or a nurse's assistant-i la la la love english. it's my favorite subject cahs' you get to express your feelings through your writing and make connections to the real happenings of a book-i take a lotta pictures to remind me of the memories that i hope will never fade-as for the guy thing, i'll be the first to say it straight up- i've been hurt by so many guys before, it's unreal. i put myself out there real early and i got hurt. the thing is, even though i know that i'll eventually get hurt, i still go for it because i believe that unless you get hurt, you don't learn how to love.-iFALL really fast. once i see a chill guy;first impressions, i go for it. some say that's the problem. i fall way to fast.-uhm, my past is something i don't like to look back at too often because it reminds me of all the wrong i've done. then again, when i do look back, i view my past as a teacher; to learn from.-iJUMP. i take chances and i know how to LIVE.-i believe everyday should be put to good use so everyday i take chances, even if it's the smallest ones.-talk about JUMPing, in about two weeks, i'm gonna be on my own and living without my mom and brother and that scares me.-myMOM has always been my rock. through all the bad that we've been through, she's always there. yes, i admit.. she's made some of the dumbest mistakes possible; as usual, she's still there to wipe her knees and to move forward. thanks, mom.-myBROTHER has been the reason for me staying alive. because of him, i chose to listen to my heart instead of my wrist.-when things get tough, i listen to my brothers voice because it keeps me sane.-staying with my aunty and uncle is gonna be hard especially making the transition to high school. living without my parents and brother makes me cry every night.-when i think about it, i'll prove people wrong. i'll bring home decent grades and stay goal-oriented.-cahs' mommy&daddy raised me right. they raised a STRONG girl.-
i think that's about it.
they can talk their krap and spit their game. REALITY CHECK, i'm not interested in what you have to say,really. i don't got no time to be playing silly games with whoever. i'm not no normal teenage girl. i'm going through more than you think. &, lord knows that i've got a whole lotta JUMPING & living to do and don't wanna be wasting no time.
home'dawg'- whattt . ?